Health Control

4.3.2019 Stress stress stress, that was the main topic in yearly health control. Awkward discussion with male doctor the reason for stress and how it effects my presense. Everything is OK, cholesterol, ecg, kidney, liver lungs blood pressure, only the hb1ac and blood sugar levels up. Jardiance added as medication. Told doctor my tick history and dizzy feeling so borreolis test is under way. Long chat what to do with neighbor lady, doctor asked what’s the most frightening in her, I immediately told: her aggressiveness. Trump’s name voiced. Together decided I need some conversation help for that feeling, so time for a male therapist was arranged. Doctor added don’t loose your health with this. At the end male doctor said this was a good visit. Afterwards I think this was the best doctor visit I’ve ever had in my life.

Shrove Tuesday, 5.3.2019

On Friday, March 8, is the international women’s day, and yesterday male doctor advised me to book therapy time to a male therapist, the only reason for that is my complete unawareness how to cope with an old neighbor woman, who once again exploded in January. Now the episode gone too far when yesterday male doctor laughed to my expression I’m  like cohen  in trumpy waters.  last august province police chief laughed at me  when i tolh him about my incidents with neighbor woman. he just a little bit ignored my feelings telling me  just ignore those female quirks”. he welcomed me to come  talk closer at the police station though.   at this moment i have a feeling i  have no reason whatsoever to celebrate this years womens day. joked to the doctor  its gonna be a chauvinist hanger humour  fireworks when i get  my mouth to sing on my first male therapist meeting. it was abou three years ago when i last visited him, then he diagnosed me ’can cope with his mixed feelings with neighbor woman , no second meeting needed.’ i even think next week’s meeting with him will  be held in English. 

this is like the  fights i had with my own grandma when i was underaged and grandma got angry ald it was her dirty mouth  from which dirty words  started to came out.  verbal female abuse of men. it was last week i contacted a nurse and i told her  how i feel being guilty alone  and she admit she has seen many cases where men have been crushed when a struggle has emerged between man and woman.

5.3.2019 14.00

Starting to read a book about narcissism at the library to understand the relationship between me and my neighbor lady

After reading the book lightly through, I remember the words doctor said yesterday to me: ” Don’t you feel you’re guilty for this.”

Today, March 6

I’m complaining what the he’ll do I need some therapy just because of a aggressive narcissist woman. I can confess I have stress over the latest incident with my neighbor lady early January and that I told doctor of that stress on Monday, but is it me who needs counseling? Today I think while the doctor and I came well together, I’m angry that the yearly control time went mainly in neighbor matters, the lumbago chat went by, for instance. One week from now time for that therapist and I.. come on, it was the house chairman who recommended me counseling in January, I already met him at the yard yesterday, and he was falsely thinking everything’s fine when I’ve been talked to professional. I’m so pissed of realizing common belief is that I’m the one who needs counseling. I have one week to clear my mind and first thing I show the therapist is what I have written here in my blog. However I obey directions of doctor who said: “we can’t change the lady but how about you?”

After reading that “Narsistin lapsena” I started to thing whether there was narcissism in my childhood home and who practiced it. Was it my mom, dad or even me. It’s so long time from my childhood, time has been mercy for me that I’ve forgotten so much and I can’t go diagnosing that with my siblings. It’s already over seven years parents passed away. One subject raises from that book in how do you accept different kinds of opinions when you regard your own belief to be the one and only truth. That’ll s what’s happening now with my neighbor lady, I’m quite ok with the house rules and there’s immediately crisscross if I tell what I think. Telling her that’s the way things have to roll and everyone can live lives without interfering their lives. That my thinking is what men don’t wanna me to go after, instead urging me don’t say nothing but hi or not even that. Thank god I haven’t met her since January. And how curious she is power obsessed. Here comes narcissism, to keep all the ropes in own hands and knowledge is power instrument to control others. You create compartments with your relationships and to keep that in shape you have to lie and use selective memory. I have shaken all those instruments of hers and what have I got. Constant yelling behind walls and even hearing what she yells. And what men do to cut this, the only advice for me is ignore.